Dumb Rabbit
by Rinny Queenston
Summary: Allen discovers never to take nudes when his door doesn't have a lock on it. He also discovers that he shouldn't do favors for Lavi that require taking his clothes off. The dgm fandom needs to turn those frowns upside down and the best way to do that is with dick jokes.
_**AN) Shout out to Gatorfood who inspired this fic with their art! You're really cool!**_

The summer air was warm and pleasant, even in the morning where the rain was beginning to patter the earth, as though the sun wasn't enough of an alarm to wake the earth up Allen had been up for a little while, chewing on a piece of toast and picking at some eggs as he lazily watched the Kamelot's dog play around in the garden. Due to Mana and Neah's influence Allen had begun visiting the Kamelot's home in Scotland every summer, something the Order couldn't refuse as the modern family rights were against them. In the modern day where things like Akuma, exorcists, and even God Himself remained hidden in the shadows, the Order had to remain there, as well, hidden from the eyes of the everyday person.

In some ways Allen liked it. The Order had to be shifty to get away with what they did, but if a large and relatively powerful family were to create an outcry about their means then the Order was stuck until a compromise could be made, or else they would face legal action. Being caught in the midst of this bargaining and threatening, Allen could get away with certain things, but now he was a prisoner in a completely different way than he was before. The Noahs had visitation rights with him, meaning he'd have to see them every summer and they could impose their influence from behind closed doors. Even if Allen himself were to spill any of his worries to his overseer Link, the Order almost couldn't do anything without causing a scene. It was a short leash with both the Order and the Noah, but he was grateful that at least it was a leash instead of shackles and chains.

Despite his initial fears, the trips were somewhat relaxing for him. Though the Earl would go abroad for the summers, as Allen's presence made him uncomfortable, Road, Tyki, Devit and Jasdero were happy to have him around, always rushing him off to this or that to spend time together. Sometimes Wisely would even invite Allen to meditate, and if he felt it, would pull Allen away to tutor him.

"It'd reflect badly on the rest of us if you end up being an idiot," was Wisely's excuse, and though Allen found it annoying he was also grateful as it gave him a bit of a head start compared to the rest of his class.

Today, so far, Allen and Wisely were the only two awake, though from experience Allen would be expecting Lulu Bell to join them soon. As normal, Allen would remain in the kitchen all morning to make his excessively large breakfast, spacing the dishes out so he could also make the rest of the Noah family theirs as they woke up throughout the morning, something he felt like he should do as he found it rude not to.

Wisely was quiet as he seemed to be meditating at the table, and as Allen rose from his finished plate of food, he also snuck Wisely's plate out from under him. Wisely didn't budge or even twitch, probably so deep in his meditation that he didn't even notice Allen's presence. Allen quickly washed the two plates, humming curiously when he heard his phone on the counter briefly vibrate, and once he had his hands dried he reached over and picked it up. It was the group chat that his friends used to talk to each other, the most recent message being sent by Lavi. It must've been late in the evening over in America where all his friends were, and so when Allen opened the text, he was expecting regular gossip, possibly even a good morning message for Allen as they all knew roughly the time he got up.

What he wasn't expecting, however, was a picture of a naked and _obscene_ picture of Lavi Bookman brazenly posed on his bed with nothing left to the imagination.

Allen's eyes widened as he stared at the picture, mind processing what he was looking at until he realized it must've been an accident as the chat only held himself, Lavi, Lenalee, and Kanda. Not even Link was part of the chat, let alone anyone else from the Order or their school, especially not any _girls_ that Lavi could be trying to impress.

Almost immediately after the picture was sent, messages began to pop up from Lenalee and Kanda, both teasing and questioning why Lavi felt the need to share that picture. Feeling a snicker try to force its way out of Allen's upturned lips, he thought for a moment until he figured that since he was alone and on another continent altogether he could openly laugh at his friend's mistake. He laughed, happy that Wisely didn't snap out of his trance-like state at that moment.

Almost on cue, a private message was sent to him by Lavi, and with little in mind Allen opened it, snickering again as he read the new message.

' _That was supposed to be private! !'_

Allen lightly rolled his eyes, unable to stop smiling now. ' _For who? I hope not Lenalee._ '

' _Of course not! I don't have that much of a death wish! Allen you have to help me._ _｡｡_ _(_ _ﾉ_ _´д)_ _ﾉ_ '

Glancing up as Lulu entered the kitchen, he flashed her a soft smile. "Give me a moment and I'll make you breakfast."

The Noah looked at him, then his phone, and then Wisely before she looked back at Allen, shaking her head. "Go sit down, I'll make myself something."

Pursing his lips, Allen gave her a questioning look but when she simply gestured for him to sit down he nodded and slowly returned to the table, going back to the conversation with Lavi though he was slightly more subdued than he was before.

' _What do you expect me to do? I'm in Scotland right now_.'

It took a moment for Lavi to reply. ' _I don't know! Anything! I'm dying, Allen, this is terrible!_ '

Sighing, Allen pursed his lips. Leave it to Lavi to embarrass himself, though Allen wouldn't be foolish enough to do something like that. ' _Who'd you even want to send the picture to?_ '

' _Just a cute girl I know! What do I do I can't face Lenalee or Kanda after this!_ '

Allen furrowed his eyebrows, regaining his smile. ' _So you could face me?_ '

' _You're in Scotland so I don't have to! You don't care anyway._ '

Finally snickering again, Allen glanced up as Lulu walked over to the table, sitting quietly next to Wisely with a bowl of cereal. Allen stared at what she considered 'breakfast' for the moment before he looked back to his phone.

' _Fair enough. So do you have any ideas?_ '

There was a rather lengthy pause between messages, leaving Allen to ask Lulu how her evening night before was in order to kill time, and when Lavi finally responded both Lulu and Allen were happy to return to their own things in comfortable silence.

Lavi's response left Allen staring blankly at his phone.

' _Send a nude, too! So they think it's a joke!'_

Sighing in exasperation, Allen scrunched his nose and frowned, titling his head. ' _I don't think they'd find it funny…_ '

' _Probably not but it'll take the heat from both of us!_ '

' _You're the only one with heat, Lavi._ '

' _So?! Please, Allen! Just one picture!_ '

Deciding he may as well, if simply to prevent Lavi from sending him panicked messages all day, Allen rose from the table, turning to Lulu as he walked towards the door. "I'm going to my room," he told her. It was a compulsion to tell her, if simply to keep her from feeling like he didn't want to sit with her.

Lulu only nodded before she glanced to Wisely. "What about him?"

"I made him breakfast before he started doing… that…" he didn't really know what to call it in conversation; ever since the Alma Karma situation, Allen wasn't exactly comfortable with it.

Nodding, Lulu returned to her cereal, leaving Allen to continue walking to his room. His room was on the second floor, and luckily he didn't encounter any of the other Noah along the way, especially Sheril. Knowing Sheril was in the house was enough to give Allen goosebumps, much less seeing him up and about. The man was an early-riser compared to the others, and with Road's close relationship with Allen, Sheril felt the need to constantly monitor him.

Allen was a little happy he could possibly get away with not making him breakfast.

Entering his bedroom, he closed the door and for a split second wished he had a lock on it; he had no privacy regardless of where he was, it appeared, not that he cared. Well, he cared a little. Sighing, he walked over to his bed and hopped onto it, crossing his legs as he quickly reopened the chat with Lavi.

' _If I do this you owe me big time,_ ' he typed, thinking of just what he could get out of Lavi.

The response was almost immediate. ' _Please don't make me buy you food._ '

Allen smirked. ' _That's my only offer. You know that great burger place just off the ocean? Take me there and bring a credit card._ '

In just enough time for a certain Bookman apprentice to groan and possibly throw himself dramatically onto his bed, Allen received a response.

' _Fine. But just do it quickly, please! Σ(_ _゜ロ゜_ _;)_ ' The panicked face made Allen smile.

Sighing dramatically even though nobody, not even Timcanpy, were around, Allen forced himself off the bed and began taking off his clothes, neatly placing them on his desk chair as he'd have to put them on in only a few minutes. Once free of his clothes, he fell back onto his bed, laying on his back and holding his phone above his body, using his free hand, which happened to be his left, to cover his crotch, watching the picture on his phone until he found it satisfactory, and flashing his usual smile he took the picture. Slightly sitting up, Allen began tapping on his phone to check the picture, writing an annotation on its face before he sent it to the chat. He decided to relax for a few moments as the bed _was_ very comfortable.

Compared to his home in America, which was left over from Neah and sparse of everything but space, the Noah house was _luxurious_. With several blankets, pillows, and even a vanity in his room Allen felt very spoiled, especially when he shared his room in America with Link. One thing he had in America was a connected bathroom, though he had to share it with Link, but despite the Noah house being home to over ten people, they were rarely all home at once and so it wasn't a very crowded household. The bed in the Noah house was also much larger and much comfier than the twin-sized one in his American home; he almost never wanted to get out of bed.

As expected, the responses from his friends were confused - Kanda being borderline aggressive, of course. Both he and Lenalee were asking what Allen and Lavi were up to, and it made Allen laugh, unable to hold back a grin at Lenalee's tone.

' _Why are you two like this? Did you two lose a bet?_ _Kanda, did you challenge them?_ '

' _Why would I want them to strip? Plus, the asshole's over in Scotland so what could I challenge him with?_ '

Huffing at Kanda's insult, Allen immediately giggled at their joined confusion, moving over to Lavi's messages to send him a private one.

' _There. Did it. You owe me._ '

The response is almost immediate. ' _What?! But you censored yourself!_ '

' _Read the caption._ '

A renewed burst of giggles shook out of Allen as he went back to the group chat, smiling at his own picture along with the words ' _Pay me and I'll move my hand_ ' going across the image. It was mean, he knew, but Lavi had brought the whole situation on himself and Allen never made any promises. It was enough that he was naked in the picture, and in any case it _did_ draw attention away from Lavi's own mistake.

Deciding to mess with Kanda while he waited for Lavi to message back, Allen snickered as he began typing. ' _Don't copy us, Kanda._ '

The response was immediate. ' _Why would I want to?!_ '

' _So you can fit in._ '

Lenalee's message came in, and somehow Allen could picture her quiet and concerned voice. ' _Allen, don't tease him_.'

And, just like if they were in person, Kanda ignored any outside forces to go after Allen. ' _Why would I want to fit in with you two?!_ '

' _Because we are men! (*≧▽≦)_ ' Lavi suddenly chimed in. ' _Face it, Kanda, you may have better hair but me and Allen have better bodies!_ '

The emoticon didn't seem to appease Lenalee at all. ' _Please don't._ '

' _You're right,_ ' Lavi started, ' _Allen's pretty small, and I'm not talking about his height!_ _(*≧▽≦)'_

' _Lavi!_ ' Lenalee's voice also cried out in Allen's ears.

His mouth falling slightly open, Allen pouted and leaned forward with his phone, typing agitatedly. ' _I'm not doing anything right now, Lavi, why should it be anything impressive?_ '

' _Is that what Link told you so you'd feel better about yourself?_ ' Lavi sent back.

Frowning and wondering just how he should get Lavi back for this, especially since it was Lavi's begging that prompted him to take the picture in the first place, he grumbled to himself and thought about it, drumming his fingers along the sides of the phone. He didn't want to have to call out Lavi, especially dramatically, but if Lavi continued being… Lavi, then Allen would have to.

' _Guys, please don't fight… and please don't send anymore pictures,_ ' Lenalee said, _'and Kanda please don't join them. At least put it off until after I go to bed._ '

' _I'm watching a movie,_ ' Kanda put bluntly, and secretly Allen was grateful.

Lavi's response came almost too fast. ' _Well, your face is enough to be counted as a dick pic (◡‿◡✿)_ _ﾉ_ '

' _Lavi, stop with the emojis and stop taunting Kanda,_ ' Lenalee scolded.

Allen was immediately sorry for sending the picture.

Just as he was about to respond, the door clicked, and his head whipped up just in time to catch a familiar pair of golden eyes as well as the exact moment when shock seeped into them, Tyki's eyes widening as he stood in the doorway, staring blankly at Allen who could only stare back as his mind tried to figure out if he wanted to be embarrassed, panicked, angry, or all.

Soon enough, Tyki's eyes returned back to normal, a slightly exasperated smirk on his lips. "Okay, what are you doing?"

Allen glanced down at his phone, trying not to move. "Texting my friends…"

"Sexting or texting?"

"Just… texting…"

Giving a snicker, Tyki brought up his hand to lightly cover his mouth. "Then why are you naked? You were already up so I know it's not because you sleep naked."

Allen straightened up at that moment, blushing slightly. "I don't sleep in the nude, Tyki… I just… got challenged by a friend…"

Eyes slightly widening again, Tyki tried to mask his amusement but it only came off condescendingly instead of concerned or curious. "Did your friends pressure you into taking nudes?"

Huffing and turning his head away, Allen huffed. "No… my friend just sent the group a dick pic and asked me to send one so he wouldn't be made fun of…"

"Did you?"

"Uh…" Allen looked away, grimacing.

"Oh my god, you did," Tyki burst into laughter, pointing at him as he continued to cackle. "You're such a pushover, Allen. Hey, c'mere…" he started walking towards the bed.

Immediately, Allen scrambled back until he was pressed into the corner of the wall and his bed, squishing himself into the wall as though he could phase through it if he tried hard enough. "Tyki, no," he said, as though talking to a dog. "Tyki, what are you-"

"Gimme!"

Immediately the Noah had jumped at Allen, the boy bringing up his legs to kick Tyki back, but when his legs went through Tyki's chest, Allen knew it was over.

Tyki's hands strongly took Allen's shoulders and pushed them down against the mattress, one of them coming free to try and snatch the phone from Allen's clumsy fingers. The phone was juggled between both of their hands, and Allen yelled as he craned his arm back to try to somehow get it between the bed and the wall, but when both of them heard the snap of a camera they froze, staring at each other's faces before they turned to the phone.

Taking advantage of the moment's distraction, Tyki snatched the phone and immediately fell through Allen as well as the bed, Allen staring blankly up at the ceiling before he heard laughter coming from beneath him. Feeling his cheeks heat up, Allen tossed himself over to the edge of the bed, pitching his upper body over the edge to look into the space between the floor and the bed, the sight of Tyki, only his face illuminated by Allen's phone, making Allen cringe.

"Tyki, get out here and give me my phone," Allen tried to be serious and hoped the blood rushing to his head from hanging upside down wouldn't turn his cheeks red and make him look like he was pouting.

Tyki only laughed at him. "Your phone uploaded the picture by itself, so don't blame me. Your friends are also very amusing."

Gaping, Allen reached to try and swat at the Noah, though when Tyki simply rose up and vanished, Allen squeaked and clumsily tried to pull himself back onto the bed, the weight of his upper body not allowing him to twist back up comfortably.

"Nice ass," was all Allen heard before he felt a smack on his rear, Allen yelping as he reeled back, pulling himself up finally to fix Tyki with a glare.

"Tyki, give me tha-" Allen started, but when Tyki flashed him the screen he couldn't move to take it.

It was a perfect picture of Tyki and Allen, looking perfectly intentional despite the chaos surrounding the moment it was taken. Tyki was winking, smiling widely as he lightly put out his tongue, meanwhile Allen's jaw was clenched and his eyebrows furrowed, the direction of the camera luckily not catching Allen's still bare lower body, but with Tyki's position it appeared extremely inappropriate.

Immediately as his eyes picked up all the details of the picture, a speech bubble popped up beneath it, Kanda's name in smaller text written above it.

' _Allen what the fuck?!_ '

Paling, Allen could only stare as his friends kept messaging.

' _Holy shit, Allen… did I just get you laid?_ ' Lavi said.

' _Is that Tyki?!_ ' asked Lenalee. Only a second later did Lenalee seem to notice Lavi's message, sending another one that said, ' _Wait, what?! Allen, don't sleep with a Noah!_ '

' _Yeah, he'll go right through you! (*≧▽≦)_ ' Lavi said.

' _Lavi, stop. What the fuck, beansprout._ ' Kanda said, and Allen immediately knew the lack of a question mark wasn't an accident.

Another message popped up, but as Allen looked at it, he noticed _Link's_ name.

' _I go to make a sandwich and this is what I come back to,_ ' said Link.

Allen couldn't believe it. Link wasn't in their chat, he never was, so why was he suddenly there looking at their _pictures_?

' _Who the fuck…_ ' was all Kanda could apparently say.

' _I invited him to the chat months ago since he wouldn't talk to me privately!_ ' Lavi proudly announced.

So that was why Lavi was so embarrassed about his own picture…

Allen tried to grab the phone, but Tyki swiped it away, leaning back against the wall as he hummed in amusement while reading the messages.

"I'm adding myself to this chat later," Tyki said, mischief soaking in his voice.

Mouth falling open in shock, Allen could only stare before he reached out to take the phone back, his fingers passing through the phone before he realized that Tyki would give it back only when he wanted to.

From above the phone, Allen could see Tyki's eyes leering at him from over the device, and just from the angle of his eyebrows Allen could see he was smiling even without seeing his lips.

"C'mere again," Tyki said, reaching out to grab Allen's bicep before pulling him towards him.

Giving a very unmanly yelp, Allen fell against Tyki's now solid body, and once he looked up he noticed his reflection in the phone's screen, and in the split second before the picture was taken he fully registered how it looked like he was _snuggling_ with the Noah, his eyes widening as he gaped just in time for the picture to be taken. Tyki had it sent to the chat quicker than Allen could even demand the phone back.

The messages came in more rapidly, and Allen could see Link panicking, asking Allen if he was okay. Kanda was silent, Lavi seeming rather amazed and amused, and Lenalee slightly panicked but it was apparent she was also laughing at the situation. Blushing at what torment he was going to go through in terms of teasing later, Allen turned and smacked his right hand against Tyki's cheek, the man only laughing as he suddenly took Allen's arms and rolled him, tumbling around the mattress and now fully letting him touch him solely for the sake of play.

After several minutes of rolling, attempted pins, grunting, and laughing, Allen managed to get Tyki on his side, the boy trying to gain the upper hand and wishing he was on his right so he could use his left arm to his advantage, instead having to use his regular nails to try and dig into Tyki's arm, but just as he was about to pitch his weight in order to right himself, he heard a very familiar tone coming from his phone.

Feeling the colour once again drain from his face, head dizzy from the amount of times his head's been rushed with blood and then not, Allen could've swore that his voice rivaled that of his pre-pubescent self.

"You skyped them!" Allen screamed, too panicked to defend himself as Tyki took advantage of the situation, shoving Allen back against the bed as he climbed over him, sitting directly on his hips without any care that Allen was still completely naked.

Tyki was holding the phone in the most annoying way possible in order for the camera to see him _and_ Allen, Tyki's free arm managing to pin both of Allen's wrists above his head with little trouble.

Link was the first person he saw, still looking preened and proper even without his "work" being there for him to busy himself over; his face was hardly relaxed. "Allen!" his eyes widened at the scene being shared, and he was noticeably frozen before he hardened his glare at Tyki. "Wait… are you naked?! Get off of him right now, Noah!" he shouted at Tyki.

"But why?" Tyki giggled mischievously, holding the phone at a better angle. "We're just screwing around~ Nothing bad about that, right?"

Lavi popped up on the screen next, in tears from laughter. "Oh my god! Allen, you're such a bottom bitch…"

Feeling his resolve snap, Allen flailed his legs from under Tyki, growling bitterly. "This was your fault to begin with, Lavi! You begged me to send a picture after you did! If you hadn't sent that picture in the first place or started making fun of my dick this wouldn't have happened!"

"It's not my fault your dick's too small and you leave your door unlocked~" Lavi singsonged.

"Oh my god…" he heard Lenalee whisper, the audio crackling just slightly.

Before Lavi could get a word in, Tyki gave an _extremely_ lewd chuckle. "From where I'm sitting I wouldn't say _that_ about Allen's anatomy, Bookman."

The room fell silent, not even the usual crackles of skype interrupting the uncomfortable silence that fell over them all, Allen staring dumbfounded at Tyki who only smirked at the phone's camera. Once he waggled his eyebrows once, Lavi was in hysterics.

At the sound of Lavi laughing, Allen immediately wailed, his face heating up to what he could only think was crimson.

"Tykiiiiiii!" he squealed, attempting to push his arms against the Noah's grip on his wrists.

From where he was, Allen could see his friends all reacting on the phone, Lavi banging his desk with his fist as he cackled, and then Lenalee and Link with their faces in their hands, though Link was trembling and Allen couldn't fathom just _why_. Was he laughing at him? Allen's face burned worse at the thought, and he continued to wail as Tyki burst into laughter, once again becoming intangible, Allen's arms flew upwards with the force he was using, pitching forward but all too close to Tyki, eyes widening and body tensing as he was merely a centimeter away from Tyki's nose, golden eyes boring into him like terrible tomcat's.

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" Lavi chanted, and Allen found himself choking out a squeak.

Tumbling back against the mattress, he tried to pull himself out from under Tyki, only to hear Lavi's whistle that froze him into place. He was still _naked_ and his friends were able to _see_ him and Tyki was _on top_ of him and he couldn't figure out all the pieces in his head to figure out what to do without behaving like a madman. Tyki cackled again, reclaiming Allen's wrists as his body became solid once again, not allowing Allen to pass through him. Fussing, Allen tried to wriggle away again while also trying to roll over. After all, his friends had seen his rear several times, either by accident, by Lavi deciding to pull his pants down at random intervals, or simply Allen teasing his friends and family by (mostly) pretending to be stripping. As he tried to twist himself around, however, he felt Tyki simply keep up with him, only letting Allen scoot back enough for his head to go over the edge of the bed, craning backwards almost painfully and eyes falling onto the door just in time to see it swing open again.

Allen only had to see their pants in order to tell who the newcomers to the room were.

There wasn't even a pause before a voice cracked through the air like a squealing car. "Oh my god! Tyki you're banging the devil-brat?!" Jasdero squawked.

Devit's mouth was hanging open so far that Allen could only assume it was stuck until he jabbered out, "Does the Earl know about this?!"

"Or Road?!"

"Or Wisely?!"

"Wisely always knows!"

Pointing at Tyki all of the sudden, Devit gave a shaky smirk. "Wait! I knew it! You're into shotas, aren't you!"

Lavi's laughter was getting hoarse, and Allen could feel his legs trembling just from the sheer humiliation.

"Oh, come on!" Allen cried, "I'm not even short!"

Eyes glancing upwards to Tyki, he noticed the Noah was no longer paying attention to him, but rather the twins squabbling at the door, and taking his chance Allen dug his heels into the bed, pulling him completely back on the bed but also freeing his hips of Tyki's weight, allowing him to swing his legs upwards and bring one down hard across Tyki's shoulders and neck. Tyki swayed from the force, eyes squinting as he hissed and pulled back his hands in recoil, allowing Allen to throw him off with the rest of his body.

Allen's eyes only caught the faint shine of his phone as it sailed through the air until it crashed on the wooden floor, just inches from the soft rug that would've saved it. The phone cracked, splintering in a way that even from where Allen was, he could see it, and he immediately screamed.

"My phone!" He scrambled, not caring about his lack of clothes anymore as he fell off the bed, dragging himself to the shattered remains of his device; it was already near the end of its life, so it was completely ruined. "Ohhhh…" his lower lip wobbled, "Cross is gonna kill me…"

Looking up, he met Tyki's wide eyes, both men staring evenly at each other until Tyki simply dropped through the bed and the floor below, the twins gaping in shock before Devit bolted, dragging Jasdero with him, leaving Allen naked and alone in his room, holding his shattered phone as the imaginary voice of Link lectured him in his head.

He was so dead.

Hearing the floorboards by the door creak, Allen looked up again to spot Sheril staring at him with both horror and utter confusion written across his face.

Since his phone was already broken, Allen threw the remains at the Noah with all his remaining strength.

"GET LOST!"

With the last of the Noah out of his room, Allen sat on his hands and knees on the floor, unable to get the ghost of Lavi's voice out of his head as it said:

' _Get wrecked._ '


End file.
